The residence of comedian Bharti Singh has been raided by the Narcotics Control Bureau in the most recent instance of its continued crackdown on the Bollywood Drug Racket in the aftermath of the death of Sushant Singh Rajput. Sources with knowledge of the situation informed us that although Bharti Singh resisted quite a bit initially, she soon offered her full cooperation once she realised that the NCB was treating her far better than her colleague Kapil Sharma ever did.
Narcotics Control Bureau conducts a raid at the residence of comedian Bharti Singh in Mumbai: NCB#Maharashtra
— ANI (@ANI) November 21, 2020
In her haze, Bharti Singh broke out into an impromptu jig, elated that she could finally count herself as a Bollywood celebrity now that she has been raided by the NCB. She also insisted that the ‘acid’ the NCB was trying to seize from her was actually acid that she had purchased for cleaning purposes at her residence. But Dr. Salunkhe from the CID, who was present at the scene, quickly tested the contents and confirmed that it was ‘acid’ acid and not acid ‘acid’.
Meanwhile, we approached Kapil Sharma for a comment. He said, in no uncertain terms, that he always ‘suspected she was on some pretty good sh*t’ because ‘no one in their right mind’ could possibly have dealt with the ‘sh*t’ he threw at everyone only for a few hundred thousand more bucks. He advised us to tip off NCB about Archana Puransingh as well because of her tendency to laugh even at terribly unfunny jokes.
Recognising he was in a good mood and was unlikely to get abusive and attack us with the broom lying in the corner, we decided to carry on the conversation. On questioning why Navjot Singh Sidhu should be let off by the same metric, he told us that wasn’t the affect of drugs. Sidhu got hit on the head one too many times by those nasty bouncers, Kapil Sharma said justifying his reasoning.
According to him, Sidhu’s decision to quit the BJP in favour of Congress and his antic since then are a consequence of those ‘nasty bouncers’ as well. “It’s like someone quitting IPL to play for the Pakistan Super League, going from Mumbai Indians to Lahore Qalandars… Man, the bouncers did him good,” Kapil Sharma said on Sidhu’s political career.
The NCB is surprised as well at the widespread prevalence of drug use in the entertainment industry as well. Reliable Sources (who are as reliable as CNN Doofus Brian Stelter’s) told us that at first, the NCB officials were hesitant to raid Bharti Singh as her ‘good health’ did not indicate extensive drug use. But in the end, seniors made the call that if Bharti Singh too was in the grips of it, then pretty much everyone was in the loop.
The NCB suspects that the widespread use of drugs also explains how movies such as Student Of The Year 2 was ever made. It is also suspected that drugs could potentially explain the questionable casting choices that have been made in recent times. Someone must have been under the influence of some potent drug to enlist Bobby Deol, a luminary of the Bollywood Hall of Fame for flopstars, for Housefull 4, we are told.
However, we can confidently say that Ram Gopal Verma is not under the radar. We were astonished by the decision given that the Twitter feed of RGV and his movies such as ‘Aag’ (the Sholay remake) could not possibly have been made by someone in complete control of their mental faculties. But we were reliably informed that RGV has always been this way, having been dropped too many times on his head as a kid.
In other news, we have learnt that Deepika Padukone is furious with her hubby Ranveer Singh. She believes that she found herself on the NCB radar because Ranveer’s fashion statements were a dead giveaway. Dino Morea, meanwhile, is extremely grateful to the NCB because finally, his name was taken in the same breath as Shahrukh Khan. However, his biggest crime remains participating in the abomination titled ‘Pyaar Impossible’ featuring Uday Chopra in the lead.
The NCB suspects that the Bollywood Drug Racket has been operating in the film industry for years and years now. Officials admitted that they should have spotted the warning signs when movies such as ‘Jaani Dushman: Ek Anokhi Kahani’ and ‘Rudraksh’ started hitting the theatres. Now, the problem has gotten much worse.
We were also told Himesh Reshammiya’s amazing transformation from an average looking Gujarati man to an Indian version of ‘The Undertaker’ (if he were a singer instead of a WWE superstar) and finally to a pirated Justin Bieber has nothing to do with LSD. NCB officials told us that as further evidence of Reshammiya’s clean record, he has been calling everyone in the movie industry to tell them, ‘Mujhe tere ghar me roti chahiye, LSD nahi!’
Note: The above article is a work of satire and should be taken as humour